


you're the only friend i need (sharing beds like little kids)

by micaelos



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, M/M, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:07:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26672656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/micaelos/pseuds/micaelos
Summary: It's 2a.m. and San can't sleep. He closes his eyes and, suddenly, his heart sinks. San doesn't know why, exactly, his chest just clenches and he wants to cry so hard. Thoughts keep coming and San just keeps drowning in every single one of them. He wants someone, wants to feel warmth. He longs for an embrace.orIt's one of those nights again for San and Seonghwa is his emotional support boy.
Relationships: Choi San/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 6
Kudos: 103





	you're the only friend i need (sharing beds like little kids)

San isn't the easiest of people to handle, he knows that. He knows that and sometimes the thought will haunt him wherever he goes. He's afraid of being a burden, he's afraid of talking too much, he's afraid of not being enough, he's afraid of not being able to fully express himself and, for that, he mourns. He tried to be someone else a lot of times – oh, he did. But he thought to himself, _"I'm_ _just replacing the burden of being how I am with the burden of trying to be what I am not"_. San has always been the type of person to listen to all of your needs, but you won't ever listen to what he's going through. His friends warned him about it, they told him that one day he will collapse and may God prevent it from being when no one else is around to help. At the time, he did not care. But now he does. 

He was already feeling uneasy before going to bed, the week has been full chaos with promotions, fansign, interviews and all of it simply ate him alive. He loves to perform, he loves to chat with fans, he loves to talk about ATEEZ, but sometimes it gets so overwhelming that the only thing he wants to do is drop whatever he's doing and self isolate. He's an introvert, he needs this alone time to heal, but lately it has become a torture with all of his feelings and concerns not letting him even finish a game match properly. Yunho, the other day, asked if he's alright, because he often wins, San just said he's doing fine, it's only a small headache, soon it will pass. If Yunho bought the excuse or no, that's on him. 

It's 2am and San can't sleep. He just can't. Yunho is right below him, he can clearly hear him snoring. Actually, he can listen to every sound. There's rain starting to pour outside, cars are passing by, someone just woke in the dorm and now is grabbing a cup of water. A car horn. The person is returning to their room. San closes his eyes and, suddenly, his heart sinks. He doesn't know why, exactly, it just sinks and he wants to cry so hard. He misses his home, now that he thinks about it. He just remembered the way someone looked down on him, years ago. There was also this commentary online saying that the way he dances is weird and he should stop. Thoughts keep coming and San just keeps drowning in every single one of them. He wants someone. He wants to feel warm. He longs for an embrace. 

Seonghwa.

Seonghwa is everyone's reliable _hyung_. The members say he gives therapy by just existing. They aren't wrong, though. Seonghwa is light, wherever he is, the environment just glows. He has the ability to make even Hongjoong melt. San thinks it is something about the way his eyes shine and his smile brightens; or the way he always searches for your hand when you're freaking out before a performance, so he can hold it; or the way he recognizes if you have changed your shampoo or perfume, because he memorized your fragrance. Maybe it's the way he always knocks in a particular rhythm before entering to check if you're doing okay, " _Hey, you spent too much time in front of the computer, want to hang around? A nice flower shop opened down the block_ ", Seonghwa said to him, three weeks ago. San likes the energy around Seonghwa, so he just runs to him when he is needing some advice, but he never needed him like he does at the moment.

He stands, climbs down the bunk bed he shares with Yunho, quietly opens the door and goes straight towards the hallway, destination: Seonghwa's room. Hongjoong is probably not there, since he stays until late night in the studio, even sleeps on the couch sometimes. The door is closed, anyways.

"Seonghwa- _hyung_?", San asks, softly. He doesn't even know if he's awake. 

"San?", the older is, gladly, awake. 

"Yeah. Can I, uhm, come in?", San is staring at his feet. He never went to Seonghwa's room because he's not able to sleep due to his bad habit of overthinking and, now that he's doing it, it seems pathetic.

"Sure, come in", his voice is so low and velvet-like, almost as if he's babying a child and is scared of waking them up. 

So San opens the door. The room is the same as always, only neater, because they had a little bit more free time today and Seonghwa probably used it to his benefit, cleaning the room. Seonghwa is sitting on his bed, messy hair, fluff cheeks, his phone right beside him – he was watching drama –, facing San. 

"What happened? Is everything alright?", is the first thing he asks. He looks concerned, his eyes are shiny and big. He is even pouting a little bit. That's absolutely lovely. San hates the way he feels when Seonghwa places all of his attention on him. He gets flustered so easily, he can feel his ears burning crimson red right now. 

"I just- I'm not feeling well, I-", San can't bring himself to face Seonghwa. He probably looks like a fool right now, but it's the middle of the night, they are the only ones awake. Come on, it's a little weird for them to be doing this. At least is what San thinks. 

"Hey, come here", Seonghwa is now giving little taps on his side, asking for San to lay beside him. 

A few steps feel like an eternity until he's laying right beside Seonghwa. That's what San was planning, yes, so why he feels like running away now, he wonders. The older has his elbow on the mattress, placing the weight of his head on his hand, staring down at him. For fractions of seconds, San has the urge to touch his face, but he just ignores it. 

"So, what's bothering you?", yes, his voice is angelic, that San already knew, but now it is so close and the way he says it is so endearing it makes San feel embraced by something bigger than him, he just doesn't know what yet.

"I just want to talk to someone… I couldn't sleep tonight, I was thinking too much. I saw a few things online that kind of hurt me... I'm also exhausted, both physically and emotionally. I don't know what is going on, I-", San is not looking at Seonghwa. He can't. He has his arms crossed on his chest, he's staring at the ceiling of the bunk bed. If he looks somewhere else, he will cry, "Like, I'm trying so hard, _hyung_ , I know this is selfish to say, but why can't people recognize it? Why is it so hard for them to just, I don't know, mind their business?" 

Seonghwa is paying so much attention. He cares so much about what San is saying. His brows are so furrowed that San thinks that if he asked the number of words he just said, Seonghwa would be able to count every single one of them. 

"Sannie, unfortunately, people are like that. I don't know about your experiences, mine aren't too sweet either, but I do know for sure that our dance teacher congratulated you last week. Your vocal coach also did it, you told me when we were eating. You're doing great, absolutely great. I know you won't take what I say, it takes someone else to compliment you for you to believe it, but I'm being honest here, wholeheartedly", San knows he is, Seonghwa is always "wholeheartedly". His words are beautiful, but San is not feeling much better, so he sighs. Seonghwa is still staring at him. 

"Yeah, they did, and thanks, but… Is so overwhelming. Being judged. I, like-", San is now covering his eyes with both his arms placed on his forehead, "Fuck. I don't know how to express myself. I'm always clingy and I'm scared of annoying any of you. I also don't know how to act when fans are around, what if I do something wrong? What-what if I'm being myself and they simply decide that what I just did is weird? I see Wooyoung being so outgoing and that amazes me, for real, like, how come he is not afraid?" 

"Afraid of what, exactly?" Seonghwa is playing with his hair. San shivers. He's curling a hairlock on his index finger. Then stops and just keeps patting his head. 

San doesn't know what he's feeling anymore. There's a mix of sensations. He's burbling with sadness, his limbs are weak and breathing is not that easy right now. At the same time, he's safe, Seonghwa is cuddling him, talking to him, listening to him, there's a small part of San that is almost happy. His heart is starting to get warm, he wants to hug Seonghwa, but it is not the time yet, so he just holds on to the feeling. 

"Afraid of being present, _hyung_ , to summarise, of making sure people are seeing you. I want to be perceived as well, but I'm scared of how they will see me. Exhausting, that's the word, it's exhausting", San adjusts himself on the mattress, though he's not physically uncomfortable. It just takes a lot for him to dig into his feelings like this. He wants to know what Seonghwa is thinking, because right now he's looking at him almost pitiful-like. Maybe not pitiful, but San feels like Seonghwa is not believing what he just said. 

"San, I-", Seonghwa sighs, "I know how you feel. Most of my life, I tried to hide. I didn't want to be noticed at all. Yes, I joined a lot of dance clubs and, yes, I performed too, but that was my way of running away from all these thoughts. But you probably know that they don't disappear, even when you're on the climax of what you're doing. I grew up with that to the point I normalized it. It's normal for me to feel that way, right?" Seonghwa grabs San's face and turns it to him, staring deep inside his eyes, "It isn't, Sannie. You shouldn't feel like that. I mean, you have the right to, sometimes, but you can't dig a hole and throw yourself there. Look, I look up to you, very much. I love the way you dance and there's something special about how you sing, too. It's the contrast. You dance so hard, passionately, violently. You own the stage. And when you sing, it's heavenly-like, your voice is soft and sometimes I catch myself thinking about how versalite you are. You are a full artist, San, not everyone can do that. You're splendid", Seonghwa has both his hand palms on San's cheeks, but now his right thumb is caressing his right cheek and San just closes his eyes and leans on to the touch. Seonghwa's hand is warm, just like his heart. 

"See-", Seonghwa keeps talking, "I love you, San, I can't imagine my life without taking care of the seven of you anymore. Your very existence cheers me up. You're so beautiful", he sighs, "I wanted you to look at yourself the way I do, I guess you would fall in love, too", the last sentence is a whisper. 

San is startled. He dazed off when he heard Seonghwa calling him beautiful. " _Seonghwa? The Park Seonghwa, calling Choi San beautiful? Did he ever look at himself?_ ", San wonders. He can't bring himself to make this up. Seonghwa is so dream-like, everything he says sounds like a poem. He seems fresh out of a book and sometimes San wants to shake Seonghwa off to check if he's actually real. Seonghwa's hands are still on his face. 

"Why are you like this…", San nudges and exits the warmth of Seonghwa's touch.

"Like this? 'Like this' how?", Seonghwa seems, honestly, confused. San guesses he's just too used being nice to other people. 

A feeling starts to burn at the bottom of his stomach and his chest clenches, _"Is he nice like this to everyone else?", "Does he say things like this to everyone else_?", San questions. At the same time, he feels weird, he shouldn't be minding that, like, why would that be important, right? Why does the thought of Seonghwa staring at other people with his kind eyes and lovable smile bother him? Why does the thought of him holding somebody else make him want to curl? Strange.

"You're so-", San stares at him and takes a deep breath, "You're out of this world. I came here feeling so, _so_ down and you took all of that away. I didn't even say much, but you said so many pleasant things to me that I can't even recall the feeling of minutes ago. I guess the boys are right when they say you're a part-time therapist", San looks down to Seonghwa's hand, now resting, "Thank you for being who you are, _hyung."_

"I said obvious things, San", Seonghwa is smiling, but he seems mad, as if he can't believe that he's explaining it to San, "You're just blind to them at the moment because you're going through a hard moment", he has his hand on San's chest now, softly drumming his fingers to the point it is hard to notice that they are even there, but San notices, like he always does when it is about Seonghwa, "I wish I could rip this feeling off you, seriously", his eyebrows raise and his eyes widen, but soon enough, the boy's expression softens, "You're the most lovable person I know."

San is just staring at him, and Seonghwa gazes back. It's just for a few seconds, but San's thoughts are running wild. At the back of his mind, he knows he'll probably regret this in the morning, being up until late night, showing vulnerability, all of these little things he has always avoided doing. Everything is just a mirage now, he's questioning things he shouldn't be. He even wondered the thought of quitting, and he never did that. Seonghwa is still staring at him, waiting for a reply, probably. But he just waits, he gives San enough time to organize his mess of mind and slowly takes his hand off his chest, aiming for San's hand. Seonghwa just tenderly places his own hands over his, as if he was asking for permission. San allows it. 

It's 3am, they are the only ones awake and suddenly, it doesn't feel weird anymore. He just wants to be here, on Seonghwa's bed, holding his hand after an hour of conversation, listening to soft raindrops outside and distant cars passing by forever. It feels like home and how he does miss it. Seonghwa's window is a little bit open, the street lampoon's light is sliding in, a sharp line of light on San's face. He feels so at peace, to the point of crying, and so he does. He wants to feel weightless and relieved, even just for the time between two or three sobs. 

Seonghwa's face changes quicker than a flash, the soft expression long gone, now he is worried.

"Sannie?", the grip on San's hand hardens. 

"I'm fine, it's just-", he smiles pitifully, "Can I hug you?"

Seonghwa doesn't even answer, he just holds San in his arms like San's life was hanging by a thread and it was their only way out. San seems like a small figure curled up in the middle of Seonghwa's arms. He sniffs quietly, that part of his _hyung_ ’s pajamas getting wet, but Seonghwa has his head placed over San's and kisses his hair softly, so San doesn't worry about it. Seonghwa caresses his back, whispering reassuring words San can't bring himself to understand at the moment. Too many physical touches. He's used to that, the boys are always messing around like this, but now it just feels different. He feels loved. He knows he is loved by the members, but this love is something else. And he knows Seonghwa feels the same way because his heart is pounding so loud right now, _so_ fast, that it is almost colliding with San's brainwaves. Even his breath is out of synchrony. 

San raises his head slowly, carefully, to meet Seonghwa's eyes. Seonghwa blinks fast at first, like he was caught doing something wrong, but rearranges his rhythm right after. He looks shy, almost like expecting San to say something, and San wonders if he noticed that San noticed his heartbeat. He probably did, he's Seonghwa, after all, always catching up to people's small details. San raises both his arms to reach Seonghwa’s neck and holds onto it. The older boy’s shoulders are tense at first, but they relieve as soon as they meet San’s touch. They both take a deep breath.

“Can we stay like this for a while?”, the younger one asks, snuffling in the other one’s neck, shifting his position in a more comfortable way.

“We can stay like this for more than just a while, if you want”, is the answer San gets.

“Yeah, I think I want it”, San holds him tighter and Seonghwa gives in to the warmth of being close.

They stay in silence for a few minutes. The surroundings being muffled by the sound of each other’s loud heartbeat and quiet breath. San is melting more and more as seconds fly by, he doesn’t want the day to dawn because _this_ will end and that is the last thing he wants now. His body feels like holding a shiver from outside-in, he can’t explain why or how. Seonghwa hides his head in his nape and softly runs his nose over San’s skin. The younger one whines to the sudden contact. But isn’t it too soon?

“Wai- what are we doing?”, San immediately asks, now facing his friend. The question marks flooding his mind are almost visible over his head.

 _“_ I- I don’t know, I thought you- I thought we-”, Seonghwa can’t even say a proper sentence right now. He was in the right state of mind, yes, but now that San confronts him, he wants to run and hide. Did he do anything wrong? Did he cross the line?, “I thought it was okay, you seemed to be okay with it, I- Sorry.”

“Wait”, San raises to his elbow, pressing all his body weight over it, “You don’t have to be sorry, I actually wanted it”, his face is burning bright red now, “I want it, to be honest, I was just startled, it was too sudden, you scared me.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” 

“It’s fine, not a big deal at all.”

A deadly silence falls over the room. They both look down, play with their fingers, searching for anything to distract them from the awkward mood they unintentionally created.

“San, I-”

“ _Hyung_ , I think- sorry, go ahead.”

“I don’t know how to explain this. It’s going to sound shocking… Look, it’s new to me in the same way as it’s going to be to you, okay? So don’t freak out!”, Seonghwa is now sitting, his hands are shaking a little and he seems troubled by a thought he wasn’t capable of naming. 

“Seonghwa- _hyung_ , you seem to be the one freaking out, honestly...”, San is confused, his eyebrows are twisted in the same way a child’s do when they have to solve a hard puzzle for the first time. 

“I think I’m in love with you”, the older one says it and all the nervousness that he had before seemed to be long gone, because he is facing San in such a serious way, but the light in his eyes are still there, hoping for a positive answer. 

“Oh”, is everything San can bring himself to say. He didn’t expect this. He came here asking for advice, his brain was a storm of feelings, and now he’s getting a love confession. And even worse (San knows it is, actually, _even better_ ): from the boy he loves and craves so much. Though it took him a while to understand that this admiration and longing was, actually, love, now he can clearly feel his heart racing and burning. 

“Fuck, I shouldn’t have said that, I-”

“I’m in love with you, too”, San’s smiling so hard that his dimples are on full display. He reaches for Seonghwa’s hands, holding them. 

Seonghwa is perplexed. He looks at San almost blankly, if not for the smile starting to light up his face. His cheeks are peach pink now, “Wait- what? For real?!” 

“Why would I even lie about that, idiot? I love you, and I can assure you I’m not confusing this with admiration or something else. I love you, I mean it."

"I- Damn it, San, I thought this would never happen! I never expected it not to be one-sided. I didn't even know you were into guys!", Seonghwa has that expression on his face that he does when he can't come up with the right solution to a problem, he is smiling out of happiness and disbelief, still holding San's hand, harder this time.

"Well, me neither!", San shrugs. 

"Wow. Just- wow.", Seonghwa takes a deep breath, staring fondly at San, there's something about him, as if he had just let go of a heavy burden and can be free once again, "So…", Seonghwa quickly shifts his gaze from San's eyes to San's lips. It would go almost unnoticed if not for San doing the same thing at the same time, "What about now?"

"Aw, come on", San goes for the prize. 

Seonghwa's lips are soft and taste sweet. San's are a little bit swollen cause he has been crying, but they go along with that. The kiss is slow and haphazard, they are both smiling so now and then their teeth's meet. San lays his arms over Seonghwa's shoulders, the latter one caresses his nape with his left hand. It is just a sequence of gentle little pecks and to San's pleasure, that is exactly what he likes. 

They stop to face each other, eyes glowing, pink cheeks, happiness all around. San forgot why everything felt so overwhelming. Times can get hard and they will, but he's sure that he will always have a shoulder to lean on, an embrace to run for, a person to spend the night together. Right now, anything that happened before 2a.m. feels like a blur, cause after that he found love and shelter. 

"I love you", Seonghwa says, hands still softly pressed against San's nape. His facial expression is endearing. He just loves San so much, "And so does everyone else. Please, acknowledge that."

"I love you too. I will try my best, I promise."

Seonghwa raises his pinky, "Pinky promise?"

San tangles his own on Seonghwa's, "Pinky promise, silly."

Seonghwa pulls him in an embrace again. San rests his head over Seonghwa's shoulders, the older drawing unrecognizable figures on his back. The rain stopped pouring. The street is a deafening silence right now. 

"What about the other boys? What if they doubt anything, I don't know?", San asks.

"Sannie, that's a problem for _tomorrow us_ , okay? Now, can we stay like this for a little while?"

"We can stay like this for more than a little while."

**Author's Note:**

> hi! thanks for have made it until here lol it's actually my first fanfiction! i was feeling kinda down so i just typed and typed until it was finished. shout out to ju, elle and ethan for hyping me up! 
> 
> let me know what you thought about it, if possible ♡


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